Divide and Conquer Strategy

This is coming straight out of the Unified Mindfulness practice. Something I posted in the some weight loss forums I have been visiting.

Another meditation technique.

This one requires focusing in and labeling 3 different strands of inner sensory activity

“See” will note mental imagery

“Feel” will note emotional body sensations

“Hear” will note mental talk

As sensations arise in these three different categories, note them by mentally saying these labels with a gentle, matter of fact inner voice. If they are really intense, focus on just one category for a little bit: just see, just, feel, or just hear. Dividing them up makes them more manageable and you’re less likely to get overwhelmed. Do this before, after, or even during a meal and it can make the cravings dissolve right away (depending on how much you practice). Let me know what you guys think about this. It works incredibly well for me. Hope it can help others  

Log 6/21/17

Trained my broad jump and some kips yesterday. I usually start out with jumps from my knees to emphasize hip drive. Then I jump with no arms to emphasize just my leg power. Then I do the full jump. Probably should just add some basic hops for my calves/ankles.

My kip is generally pretty disastrous right now but I do it well every once in a while. Need to be stronger with my horizontal pull and my compression.

Food:
Rice and broccoli
Apples
Bagel with hummus and chips
Some soy protein based chicken tenders
Some pectin fruit strip things

Log 6/20/17

Been coaching gymnastics again and it has been pretty inspiring. I am lucky enough to be shadowing the higher level boy's team. They train up to 4 or more hours 3 to 5 times a week. That dedication! It's cool to get a better understanding up close regarding specific techniques and training methodology. The secret seems to be just an insane amount of skill training.

The movements these kids are doing are all connected as far as form is concerned so they get so much repetition with, say, L holds for almost every event. I was under the impression with my own training that I would train some L holds but not much more than a minute or two accumulated. Now I am seeing it as a fundamental body position like standing or squatting. It should be easy.

Ate pretty well:

Salad with tomato, olives, and onions w/spring mix
Rice and broccoli with green onions
Some apples
Fig bars at work and some fruit snacks
A banana.
Was at 76.5 kg yesterday. Hoping to get back down to 70 kg first.

Slept on yoga mat on wooden floor with no blanket. My stoicism meter is increasing.

In general I seem to be just getting a lot more stuff done lately. I'm finally starting to push myself a little harder than I have been in life because I have reasons for moving forward. I'm living with more purpose and that gives me so much more resilience, openness, conscientiousness. I'm one lucky duck right now and I hope I can just maintain this momentum.

Daily Log 06/07/17

Trained tumbling stuff at davis diamonds. My russian fronts are super high now and I can usually combo out of them. Tried to throw some cart fronts and fulls but was less successful I love the idea of switching from front tumbling to back tumbling which is why I wanted the cart-front flip but since I lack the power/technique I ended up trying some back half twists to roundoff and was pretty successful though I had a hard time keeping my arms up for the transition. Some light stretching before and after but not enough volume with that .

Spent a lot of time reading through "Buddhism as Philosophy" by Mark Siderits and it is a refreshing read to what I am used to with the usual buddhist texts. The in depth analysis of Buddhist doctrines helps deepen my understanding and refine my motivations mainly because the author is showing the more specific reasons behind certain claims, while discarding common misunderstandings. It's a good thing to have at least 5 rationalizations for why you're practicing something and the book doesn't disappoint. In particular I was just reading about the doctrine of non-self as it relates to the more conventional concept of self. Illuminating. Will write up a review and analysis after combing through it. It's a textbook but it's short and very clearly written for the most part.

Ate one big meal of spaghetti, bread, and soup for lunch. Then a mango later on. But I want to try just having one meal a day for a month. I'm inspired by re-reading this paper called "the metabolic winter hypothesis":

"In 400 BC, hippocrates wrote: “We must consider [whether] food is to be given once or twice a day, in greater or smaller quantities, and at intervals. Something must be conceded to habit, to season, to country and to age.”

I just love this. The concept of eating once a day feeds my inner ascetic. Not sure why I fetishize being an ascetic but it just makes me feel good to try to live simply in a world full of constant excess. It's part of why I sleep on the floor, why I eat plant-based, why I try not to give/receive material gifts. I suppose it makes the times that I do break these "rules" feel more valuable.

Back to the paper though, Cronise points out the the modern contrast to hippocrates' musings about food. Nowadays the meals do not stop, we are hardly ever in a fasted state so we rarely pull into our reserves which will just continue to accumulate left unchecked. Will see how I feel after a week of this and decide if I can continue.

Daily log 6/05/17

Parkour run! Only ended up going through a few spots on our run since we got distracted by the obstacles around us which is a good thing. It's nice to find a shady spot to train. I can do my handstand press up on a low wall now just barely. I can't wait to get stronger and stronger. Not sure if I'll be teaching gymnastics but I want to be ready if I do so I gotta a get all my gymnastics type strength up.

Had some major slip ups with diet again. I'm noticing that it only happens at moments where I am not quite all there and I just impulsively go for something, not allowing myself to think it through. If I can trigger myself to stop everything when I get an impulse, I can meditate and recreate the associations that strengthen my resolve. I'm finding my patterns and realizing the places where I need to be strongest:

When eating out somewhere, movies/restaurants
Riding by the store after not having eaten in a while and I realise I have money
Just before or after training (the rationalization starts there, "i need the calories")

Daily log 06/01/17

Trained some isolated jumping techniques along with some max broad jumps. Hands behind back. Jumping from the knees. One footed jumps. My max broad jump is 7' 4". So yeah I could use a bit of a power boost for sure. I would be pretty happy if I could get past 8-9 ft. And I can't imagine what it would be like to have enough jumping for a 10 footer.

Worked on some lache to pre up yo a highhh bar but technique is crap so I'm barely getting to the bar and just falling back off of it. Hands crapped out after a series of half hearted attempts.

Managed at least one good muscle up on rings. I can only do maybe 5 pull ups and 6 dips. I think my body just remembers how to do muscle ups on rings and I have not so bad shoulder flexibility.

Aaaand some handstand negatives on the edge of the box. Nice to get a taste of a semblance of an echo of a ghost of my previous handstand ability. Hopefully it will come fast with dedicated training.

Food
Bowl of rice and broccoli
A bowl of grapes
Can of barley soup
Watermelon
Piece of baguette with mustard and avocado
Whole wheat spaghetti with homemade pasta sauce full of veggies, one bowl.
Didn't feel like I stuffed myself today and I managed to have only about one serving for whatever I was eating rather than a massive container of rice or multiple servings to infinity.

Daily log 5/31/17

Went to Davis diamonds but I was pretty tired so I threw a few good tricks but was mostly enjoying talking with some of the others.

Currently reading the second book in the Nexus trilogy and I'm realizing where I got that whole "mind programs" idea and it makes me want to develop the concept a little further. For whatever mental state I want to put myself in, I need to know the exact pathway to get there. So it is much like a program in the sense that I am in one state of mind, I execute a few lines of code, then I'm in the desired state. The lines of code are just the appropriate thoughts and associations that change my mental state. It's going to be important to create programs that are not too specialized, otherwise they won't work for the general category of things I need them for.

A program for food cravings has gotta be pretty easy. Essentially I want to bypass the part where I eat shitty food, and go straight to the mindset of craving healthy food, or perhaps for certain occasions, not craving food at all.

For parkour, I could certainly use a program for resolve and commitment to a jump I know I have the technical ability for. Most of the time I have to just keep drilling a technique until I happen to fall into the correct state of mind but again, why not bypass that?

It's the same with learning someone's pk route. I've specifically trained my eye to learn the movements right away instead of having to go into all of the over complicating explanations of "where this hand goes and where to out this foot."

Daily log 5/26/17

Rest day for the most part but I still skateboarded for about 5 miles. Also didn't do my L-sits at all. Failed the second time trying to fix my bike for a completely different reason.

Turned in a job application at a gymnastics place. Might be teaching gymnastics again. I miss it, to be fair, though I despised it for awhile. A lot of my strength stuff came directly from gymnastics and I think coaching it again will give me the incentive to build up certain gymnastics/tumbling skills. I know how strong I could potentially be. I'm not there yet. Think I'll make a post about some of the benchmarks I used to have so I know what I'm going for again.

Started the second book in the Nexus trilogy by Ramez Naam. It's a sci-fi about this nano drug that wirelessly connects up people's minds. I love it so far though it has some pretty stock tropes and lines in it. The overall idea plays out well. Need to do a full review of it when I finish.

Food
Rice and broccoli with pasta sauce
Bananas
2 Veggie burgers on sourdough
Something called a vegan coq monsieur which is essentially a ham and cheese mcmuffin. Still unhealthy but not as mad as the original
Some lentils w/ carrots and onion
Watermelon

Daily log 5/25/17

My bicycle tire popped again and I failed to fix it though I had all the back up tools because my pump is faulty. I'm reluctant to get it fixed if it forces me to run/walk or skate everywhere instead. But the money saved over time cycling and not taking the bus may win out for me. Worked on a big ol lache pre and failed on it a bunch of times by not sticking it. I actually did one that was pretty good but it felt like a fluke I could tell that my problem was mostly mental so I did a few forfeits. I made one slightly good pre at the end and avoided having to do a bunch of L sits. But I still ended up having to do 100 pullups, 100 pushups, and 50 pistols on each leg. Pretty much ended my pk session and turned it into struggle town. I noticed that though I had to suffer through these reps, the necessity of them put me in a much more open mindset, not nearly as reluctant to do some work. "I must do these things so I will do these things" versus "these things are optional so maybe I can stop this point or that point".

My pull ups took the longest and I switched between chinups. I never went over sets of 3. I can only do about 8 or 9 pushups before my arms start to give out. I did my pistols in sets of 10 using a vertical pole since I'm still lacking a surplus of ankle dorsiflexion. I also tried to finish by 10pm otherwise I'd have to do 30 minutes worth of L-sits today. I'm about 15 seconds in and will get it done throughout the day. I need the push to do these things sometimes. It's not a punishment in my opinion, it is just trading one kind of mental difficulty for another. Yes it's difficult for the body, but it will follow suit given even just a little bit of rest.

"The causes of suffering are internal". 

I finished this talk finally. I have such appreciation for this guy. I've done a review of his "Attention Revolution"  book and I always find his talks motivating/uplifting/clarifying. There is a lot of jargon thrown around but one gets used to it reading buddhist texts and all that. He mentions this video in the above talk and even though it is a joke skit, I think it points out the brilliance of meditative practices in that it is actually possible to "stop it" when it comes to rumination, negative ideation, etc. It's just that people don't know about this stuff so they don't think it is worth the effort when they hear a soundbite about it. They don't connect up meditation with anything that has to do with their mental issues. Obviously this line of thinking can go too far but I believe if a person can maintain their attention on the breath for even a few seconds, many of the benefits of meditation are possible with training. Quite a low bar, isn't it? (another caveat: probably doesn't work for everyone depending on certain conditions. But it's worth saying that it should work for most people) Anyway I'm in love with this idea of being both the originator and liberator of my mental suffering. I find it so empowering and it sets my priorities. 

Food log: 

Rice and veggies

Beans

3 bananas

5 pluots

Some pineapple

Strawberries

A late night veggie pizza. Too expensive Jesus. Veggies good, whole wheat bread not so bad, daiya cheese terrible.

Transitioning Thus Far

I've seen the light! or I have an idea!

I feel I have changed so much over the past year and 4  months. I started hormones August 7th 2015 and though I had been making minor changes to my appearance going back a year before, the hormones were the biggest step for me, the biggest thing I feared. Mostly that was because I'm generally a pretty health conscious person and I know there are increased health risks with hormones. Most everything has been positive but there have been a few negatives.

Emotions

As far as emotions go, it is hard to distinguish between my social status change and my medical one. While I feel free to express my emotions fully, this may just be from years of repressing and just feeling like I can open up now. Experientially I felt that my emotions were hidden behind a thick barrier where they could just barely get to me. Post hormone therapy, my emotions are laid bare, clear as day. Regardless of the cause I feel closer to my emotions, experiencing them in a more unfiltered way. This cashes out as crying about of lot of things, especially sad movies or music or situations. I was somewhat like this before but now it's like I've got tears on tap. As for aggression in any form, I don't feel it at all. Sometimes I'm blunt or abrasive with my speech but beyond that, I lack the "macho man" tendencies i had before. The lack of aggression changes my training motivation too. I'm much more relaxed and find I can enjoy it more even if I'm not as physically powerful as before.

Strength and Training

I have lost a hefty amount of strength and have struggled to get most of it back. The loss is not entirely due to hormones. Part of it is a layoff from training after quitting my last parkour teaching job and holing up for a while in my room afraid to deal with the social consequences of transitioning. I was also fairly depressed about my failed marriage. I lost my zeal for training after burning out teaching and cycling for hours to work/home every day. I stopped cycling and just started walking everywhere, sometimes quite long distances. I was using a step counter so I was quite motivated to get a certain amount of steps. I started to get more training when I got around people more and that has kept me sane. Freediving, climbing, running, and parkour became my life staples instead of just add ons. Since the winter has hit, freediving has taken a backseat and mostly it's parkour and tumbling. I can run quite far (most was 8 miles a few was weeks ago) easy again due to a different kind a running technique I recaptured. Acquiring strength has been an up and down process that has mostly been determined by my weight loss/gain.

Diet

What a mess, to be honest. I have gone through so many different strategies to tackle this piece since it is, for me, what most affects my bodily appearance as I transition and my success in training as I seek to maximise my strength to weight ratio. Upon quitting eggs and dairy again, I lost about 15lbs right away. The variety of processed vegan junk food did not help me at all and the weight has fluctuated up and down quite a lot. My goal weight is somewhere between 122-145lbs essentially the lower to middle end of my healthy bmi range for a height of 5' 9". The lowest I have gotten to was about 153 but I've since jumped back up to 165. Now I'm dropping at a slow steady rate due to my most balanced approach yet.

I fully understand the mechanics and energy balance required to lose excess fat. The psychology of losing weight, however, is something I ignored. Most of my behavior is quite self directed. Though I may have biological limits to how long I can train or sit down and write before I become uncomfortable, I have a pretty high degree of self control. Trying to just "not eat so much food" was a test of one of those biological imperatives we will never get over: our hunger drive. Since then, I have learned to control  my food choices, a much easier variable to handle. So it is not a matter of IF I will eat but WHAT I will eat. So long as I control for the energy density of my foods, i can eat as much as I want and still lose weight. With proper food sequencing (greens then veggies then fruit then starches) I can take advantage of my limited stomach volume to feel fuller with less calories, thus satiating my hunger drive. My main mistake was measuring the scale instead of my behavior, so even though i  was able to lose a little bit of weight, it always came back on. With the correct behaviour, the weight will take care of itself so I'm only checking once a month by taking the average of 3 days of measurements. This has been my best approach yet as it supports my training goals instead of ruining them. I have much more to elucidate on diet but it deserves its own post.

Salt is the one issue that deters my dietary goals. I have an insane craving for it. I have hypothesised that craving is due to my medication spironolactone which is a potassium sparing anti-diuretic. Essentially it makes me pee a lot more so I'm not holding on to as much water. Water follows salt I guess. I have tried several times to go salt free but my stamina takes a dive immediately every time. I could be wrong about this particular issue and I'm seeing a doctor next week to figure the whole thing out. If this is the case, I am coming closer to considering orchiectomy since it means I can drop spironolactone altogether and just take estradiol.

Breasts!

They have grown steadily and considerably over all this time. I have found that it is good to keep measurements to buy the correct bra size, otherwise it will be quite uncomfortable. I can feel them bouncing around when I run or jump. Having breasts has been the most validating part of this whole transition, making me feel more at home with my body. I feel more connected to my body than I ever have.

Appearance,passing, make-up, clothing, 

My thoughts on passing have shifted from wanting to pass because of embarrassment to wanting to pass as part of my relation to others and the philosophical concept of what it means to be a woman. I've dealt with plenty of embarrassment now and I can handle going out looking like a half man/woman creature any day. Different people will call me she or he throughout the day and though it is a little jarring, it is to be expected. I now realize that I can't expect to be thought of as a woman if I don't have enough social cues to suggest that I am. There are only so many ways a person can be considered a woman from a philosophical standpoint. The ideal norm is being born with certain parts and growing up socialized as a woman. I am not a woman in that way. I was not socialized to be one. I have to pick up from where I never left off. I can change my body with hormones actualizing my subjective experience of feeling more like a woman but this can still be largely hidden. I get closer to the social part by doing makeup that feminizes my face more, wearing clothing that suggests a more feminine shape.

I used to think that feeling like a woman can only be about me and my feelings about my mind/body. But it is important to recognize that humans are social beings and that my relations with others are a huge part of my transition. This is why passing matters to me.

Voice

My biggest lingering fear. I've put my voice training off for far too long. In the rare situations I do pass, my voice immediately gives me away. This has made me not want to talk much whenever I'm out and about and it's a pretty life altering thing. So currently doing exercises on this and working on integrating it into my life more, as awkward as it may be.

That's it for now. I usually try not to talk about this stuff too much because I feel there is so much more to me and I don't want my life to be all about this. I hope this helps people who are on a similar journey.